Friday, August 12, 2016

2-Minute Pitch for Heavy-Duty People by Iain Parke


 CARLOS! Call 911! I'M BEING ATTACKED BY A CLEARLY-DERANGED BIKER! 
(No, sir. That gentleman is your 2 o'clock  appointment.  
Can I  take your vest, sir? )
Hell no! Them's my colors and I never take 'em off--even in bed. 
(Really sir? They're quite, um, fragrant. 
Are you getting much lately?)
As if that's any of your business, you poof!
(Oh, how quaint!  Would you like tea? )
Of course. Do you think I'm a bloody barbarian?
YES. I THINK YOU'RE A FREAKING VISIGOTH!
(Oh, sir. He's written more books than you ever will. 
Would you like milk or lemon?)
Milk and  Cocaine.  After all, this is Los Angeles, right? 
(Well yes but this is a book agency. 
I'm afraid all the expensive drugs 
are in the movie studios. 
I could put some aspirin in?)
Hell, no!
(OK, I'll just go off and get that. 
Sir, here's a Xanax. 
Now just climb down from the curtains, 
sit in your nice big chair 
and take the nice man's pitch. )


Um. Well, OK, Mr. uh... Parke. Sell me on this book. So what brought your write... Heavy-Ass People? 


That's Heavy-Duty People. I’ve always been fascinated by the images and realities of the outlaw biker scene and irritated by the way bikers have been caricatured in films and TV. Whatever you think about outlaw bikers and the clubs, there’s no denying it’s a serious lifestyle, taken very seriously by those in the life, and back when I started it seemed odd that no one seemed to be writing about it in a way which treated it seriously. So I decided I wanted to explore what might it might be like to become involved, what would motivate someone to join, what choices it might lead them to make, what would it mean for them as a person. And that’s how I met Damage.  

Damage? What a...."delightful" name. He's not with you, is he? 
Nah, he's still in Old Blighty. 

Oh, good. Now "Damage," Is that his first or last name? 
It's a description, really.

Oh-Kay. Well, what's your teaser pitch. that single line that get people in the door?
Get Carter’ on two wheels. Damage, a UK outlaw biker tells the story of his life and club business ‘how it is’.

Ok, so "Damage" is the umm... Protagonist. How does he change in the book?
It’s time to step up, to join the Brethren MC World…Damage is a mixed up kid who finds acceptance and a new family when, after intervening in a fight, he becomes accepted into a local gang of bike-riding tearaways. As he grows up, the bikers become a patched bike club which eventually ends up as a piece on the board in the high stakes game of biker politics
They get offered a choice by a senior club, "The Brethren MC’s local P Dazza" to patch over, or face the consequences. As these things tend to do, the gang starts to become gangsters and Damage's friends start to fall along the way.
 Damage has temptations to face and choices to make. What’s in it for him, who can he protect, and who could or should he stay loyal to? With brother killing brother and Dazza’s plans becoming clear, Damage decides where he stands and who he's willing to kill. 

Willing to kill? I am glad you left him at home or in jail or wherever he is. Why this title? 
Heavy Duty – HD – People. Intense, important and hard, stronger than usual and what’s needed to operate in extreme conditions.

Umm, "HD"?
Harley Davidson. 

Right. Right. Right. Of course. What was I thinking? Moving on,  what’s the logline?
Damage lives by his club and his brothers are his life – but what happens when brother starts killing brother?

Well, here in the Colonies, usually 20 to Life but I guess things are different on on Auld Sod. Why should I buy this book?
Ask Damage:
“The only reason for doing this is to tell people what I’ve learnt over the years. So keep it simple, don’t exaggerate it with the sort of crap that people always write about us.
I want it told straight, just the way I’ve told you.
People can either take it for what it is and like it, or they won’t, in which case they can fuck off.”
          Damage 2008
OOOOOOKAY. I'm sold. 
Carlos, fetch a blank check for my friend in the cute vest! And write up a contract with a special clause. "Damage" never gets to visit the office, got it!
(Got it, boss. Sheesh,
 I'm supposed to be 
the comedy wimp
 and you're taking all my lines. 
ut-shay u-pay! 
So, Mr. Parke, where will you be appearing? 
   You know, the usual places:  ManchesterCardiff Glasgow, ChesterNewcastle

Great. They all sound very far awayWhere can those of us in the States buy your book, or is it books? 
   Amazon, of course. 
and, of course on the classic Belles Lettres magazine, Duro Rider
duro Rider Magazine

Aritistry, Creativity & Performing Talents among bikers?  So that's a single issue, right?
Not hardly.


Well, thank you very much. It's been different.
Fuck you.
(Love to, Sir. Come back anytime!)